Environmental organisations have criticised new revelations that power stations, including Cremat-em Ltd, are burning kittens for energy.
Kitten burning policies are being incentivised by renewable energy policies, as kittens are officially classed as a renewable energy, thanks to a ruling by the EU’s Directorate on Energy-Climate-Domestic Animal matters.
Chris Heartfelt, a spokesperson for the Catwood Alliance, said ‘energy companies have tried to claim that they are only using heads and tails of kittens, or even just the waste furballs. But we’ve got photos man, we can see the piles of whole kittens waiting to be burned in their boilers.’ The local vacuuming industry has already expressed concerns about the decreasing amounts of furballs cutting demand for vacuum cleaners.
William Smoothcharm, head of Reputation Distortion Control for Cremat-em Ltd said ‘we’re only using kittens no one wants, and every time we burn one, we make sure that three new kittens are bred in its place. This means it’s cute neutral. The overall amount of cuteness in the world is actually increased because of us burning kittens. I mean if people start complaining about our practices you just hand them a kitten or a baby ocelot and they’re so distracted that they forget what they were upset about. QED. And this is science – I checked it with my friend Bob at the pub the other night, and he visited a lab once, so he knows.
‘Sure, the local residents are a bit irritated by the screeching and howling, but it’s better than burning coal, or oil or sharks. Burning sharks is bad for the environment because prior to combustion you have to keep them in huge tanks full of gallons of water. With kittens we just pack ‘em in there real tight.’